Sister love.. mother love..

I have a special sister. She's been diagnosed with Aattention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). When she was about 4 year old, she was jumping on my mother's bed when she fell. She hit her head on a corner of a table. There was an internal bleeding inside her head. She was hospitalized and put in a coma for 2 days. Allah.. that was really heartbreaking. I forgot how long she was in ICU. Things were never the same again since.

Having a disabled sister or OKU (Orang Kurang Upaya), is really challenging. She needs constant monitoring. Plus she is actually really brilliant. She can let herself out of the house no matter how my mother locks the door or the front gate. She watches the door for any moments of carelessness. And then she will run and run and run as fast as she can. Sometimes she goes to the playground. A couple of times she went and sit on a divider by the roadside. A few times she manages to get to the shops nearby.

There was a time, my sister, who stays in KL, called home and said that our disabled sister is already at the shop. As it happens, a friend of hers who was nearby gave her a call. And we didn't even realized she was gone yet! Mind you, the shop is actually about 8 minutes walking distance. My mom probably just turns her head around, tending to cooking or stuff. Everytime this kind of thing happens my mother will get into panic mode and will start shouting and run out to get her! It's just crazy. She still does this sometimes now, though she's not as fast as she used to, now that she more than 110kg. She is definitely overweight (because of all the medication that she has to take) but she's still very fast.!

I used to think she's a nuisance. I couldn't play outside because I of her. I couldn't play with my relatives during 'kenduri' (family feasts) because I had to look after her, so that my mom can help out. My mom is always on the run, chasing her. She was also pretty violent, she used to bite and hit people. I was annoyed frequently. You know, being a regular kid or teenager, your normal sister annoys you. This is a disabled sister. How annoying can she be? Argghhhh!!! That's how.

But once I had my own daughter, things seems... different. I look at my sister and my mom in a new light. I see her through my mother's eyes. I look past my own emotions of annoyance and irritation, and see her as my own daughter. O Allah, how does my mother feels that night we slept outside the ICU corridor? Does mom cry every time my sister had seizure? Does her heart breaks when sis was poked with all sorts of needles and tubes? When the doctor said she is not the same as the other kids? When she realized sis will never be able to take care of herself? My heart breaks.

Now she is 21 years old and I think mentally she is about three or four years old. My nieces and nephews and my kids, they will grow up, Insha Allah, but my sister most probably won't (mentally). She stays at home  with my mom because she constantly has seizure. My mom and dad wants to send her to some kind of rehabilitation center for disable people, but they are unable to because of the seizures.

I pray to Allah that sis will be placed in His highest heaven. She has been through so much pain and sadness. And my parents too, for being patient with her all these years. Forgive all our sins, O Allah.
May Allah grant my prayers. Ameen.

Doodles : Where I am now.

I feel calm with my hubby's presence.

I have been blessed with beautiful daughters.

My little girl is notorious, but asks such darling questions.

Although I have no wealth, I have no debt.

I have (had) awesome BFFs, some I have lost contact. (This happens a lot when you have guy best friends.They are awesome, but not good when someone gets married.) I miss them, though.

I am ever so thankful to have met so many beautiful souls during my lifetime.

Oh yeah, I married my best friend :)

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People has always been kind to me despite their normal behaviour (which sometimes are not).

I look at some people and think, I want to have this kind of behaviour. It took me years to get there. Some I'm still figuring out how to. Some are really hard lessons Allah sent down my path to speed up things a little. Tough, but effective.

I learn to be a better person through my mistakes and others', too. And how to be a good person. A human.

I no longer pour out my sadness and misery and unhappiness to people, I have learnt to turn to Allah.

The best thing that has happened to me in my life is that I found Allah. It has been a long and tough journey, but it is worth it.

Despite all my sins and all my mistakes, He still looks upon me with love and kindness. And Allah is 70 times more Loving and more Merciful than a mother towards her daughter.

The road ahead will still be as tough, if not tougher, but knowing that I have Allah by my side, Insha Allah I can go on.

I can hardly taste the sweetness of this world. Hoping to taste the sweetness of Jannah instead later. Oh yeah, I need to pack up more necessities to bring to the afterlife. More solah, fast, zikr. The way I'm wasting my time now, I most probably gonna regret it.

I would not trade anything in this world for the Hidayat Allah has given me. May Allah bless the whole world with His Hidayat. To grasp upon the Quran and Sunnah with my molar teeth.

I hope to end my life with Husnul Khatimah, on kalimah Lailahaillah Muhammadarrasulullah. And I pray for you too.

Sweetest love and babies!

If I smell Amortentia now, it will smell of rain and newborn baby. It all comes down to my new baby girl, H. Tomorrow she‘ll be a month. To kiss a baby is like inhaling a sweet perfume from heaven. Ah, how heavenly. I can kiss her all day. In between nursing, burping and diaper changing, I mean. Lol.
It is ironic how many cliche I stumble upon this round of pregnancy and birth. I‘m thankful I keep them by the truckload. You know, just in case.

Now my babies are almost 3-year-old and 7 weeks old. Ok, technically Sha is no longer a baby. But she's so babyish these days, especially since she got her new sister. Baby H sneezes, she sneezes, baby H spits up, she spits up. Since I am trying not to enhance any siblings rivalry, I just go on with it. Whatever baby H got, she gets too. Same pat, same kisses.

Sha loves her sister very much. Of course I do to. It's just so sweet watching them adore each other, Sha is always asking me to put baby on her lap. Then baby H will gaze adoringly at her sister. Sha will put on a show for her sis, jumping up and down and singing. Baby H giggles ever so happily. I pray this love and bond between them will go on. Always.

Happy Birthday!

Last Sunday, my baby turned two. Okay, she is now a toddler. I think I prefer to call her my little girl. Toddler sounds a bit... rebellious. And mischievous. Which is exactly she right. Full of energy and ideas how to turn the house upside down maximize learning from her surrounding. Always laughing and making funny sounds and expressions! She is so much fun. Of course, right now she is learning about gravity (which involve dropping everything from the table to the floor and pouring a jug of milk). Oh well, perhaps I have to restructure he lessons lol!

Anyway, her birthday was uneventful. All of us were tired from travelling (that is another post), so at first we didn't know whether to get a cake from the nearby bakery or not. So, laundry was washed and hung, lunch was eaten (honestly I couldn't remember any cooking done that day, most probably we ordered out! lol), but none of us have the energy to crawl out of the house.

Later that evening, my mom dropped by, saying that she thought we would go to her house and celebrate. Lol she discussed with my mother in law and forgot to tell me. Anyway, my dearest mom brought muffins from Kenny Rogers (yum!) and puddings she made herself (double yum!). Sorry mom! We were totally exhausted. The yummy treats perhaps make us want to celebrate a tiny bit more. But neither me or my husband wanted to go out. So that's that.

Out of the blue, after maghrib prayer, my mother in law announced that she bought a birthday cake! My little girl is lucky, isn't she? She finally got a cake! So we celebrate in simplicity, just the four of us... and Sha get to blow her candles over and over again. (Hubby blow the candle the first time lol).

What do you know! It wasn't so bad, afer all! Simple food, but it was a lively event.

Of course marked by Sha that is running back and forth, too excited to eat! She had about a bite of everything and a sip of water, she even refused her ever favourite ice-cream-mmm!

My little girl was happy (and messy). And  so are we:)

picture: blog.birdsparty.com

It's Hard for Me to Say I'm Sorry

Little kids are the most forgiving lot. They fight today, and tomorrow, business as usual. By business I mean play, of course. Scold them for breaking the window, they cry themselves to sleep, wake up and ask for dinner. Previous shouting forgotten. Was it because they didn't remember? Or because there are too many things to do (play)? Anyhow, most kids really don't have too much time to keep an argument for long.

The duration for forgiveness lengthen as we grow. The older we are, the harder it takes for us to forgive. Ego? Perhaps. Or the baggage that we carry makes us view things differently. Makes things hurt deeply than they should. Our sensitivity gets more acute. And wounds gets harder to heal. 

It is quite common to hear adults and old people argue and disagree for days, weeks, years even. Each refuse to apologize. Why is it so hard to say I'm sorry. Pride gets in the way, always. Scared it'll make us look weak. Why should I say sorry, I'm not the guilty one here, he is. 

Hatred creates a strong invisible attachment to the person. More than you realize. Sometimes more than the person you love. You don't ever want to see his face, hear his voice. Always glad (if not wishing) to hear bad news about him. You go out of your way NOT to see or hear him. So you actually making an effort. Of course, everything that relates to that hated person by default also hated. That shirt, this colour, her children, this smell. See how attached you are? Hating is tiring. It drains your energy. 

Hatred makes you bitter. Forgiving gives you freedom. You are FREE!! Your heart is does not ache anymore. It's a million times lighter than before. You may even get your friend/love back! Try it. It's worth a try. No ego will be bruised. And you'll feel younger! Like a little kid.

There is a story about two kids that were fighting, Hasan and Husin. As a result, they refuse to talk to each other. Then the Prophet pbuh went to see one of them, saying that Allah swt promise him a palace in the heaven if he forgive the other. Then the Prophet went to see the other boy and told him the same promise from Allah swt. But neither boy apologized. Upon seeing this, the Prophet pbuh asked them, why did they not apologize? It was because each want the other to have the castle, thus letting the other asks for forgiveness first. 

The price for a forgiveness is a palace in the heaven!  That is how hard it is to apologize, that the reward is so big. For the two boys, they love each other so much, they'd rather part with the palace and give it to the other! I think I'd probably jump at the offer straightway. And then thought, oh dear, I should have given it to the other. Lol. If I think that way at all. ;p

Anyway, forgive everyone everyday, just like a kid. So that we can be friends again tomorrow. :) 

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Surprise Kiss

My little girl kissed me last night. I know, not a big deal, huh? But it is. You see, she has now reach the stage where kisses are a No-no. You can kiss her like, once, and then she'll be wriggling out our your arms. Screaming. For. Her. Life. Or try asking her to kiss you. You'll be lucky if she kiss the air about one centimeter from your cheek, muahs! If she's feeling like it, she'll put HER cheek to your cheek. That is lucky number two. Most of the time she'll ignore you, like you haven't said a word. I think bribery with ice cream might wield me a peck on the cheek too.




Oh, how kisses are a luxury now. Gone are the days when she'll laugh with happiness are you kiss her cheeks with all your heart's desire. One cheek each for mummy and daddy. Those cheeks are made to be kissed! But kisses no more.

So what bring that unexpected puckered lips last night? She was having colic, and sleep was hard to come. Like any other mum, I slathered medicated oil on her tummy, ankle and legs and started massaging. She was wriggly, still trying to run away from being massage. Ah, my baby is growing up. Loves her freedom. But I told her to stay put as I'm trying to put the oil on her. Asked her to pray so that Allah will take her pain away. So she did, and I keep massaging. Around here, it is quite common that when baby is having colic, and the mother massaging the baby will kind of 'get' the wind. So I got bloated Lol. Horrible feeling! But anything so that my baby will get better. Anyway, as I rub and massage and saying nice things to her, at one point I kissed her tummy. Kissed it better? Alhamdulillah, I must admit that must have worked. Then she smiled at me and get up, pucker her lips and smack! A kiss on the lips! And another. And another. (she did stop at three). Awwwww....

So my day way totally made. It was totally awesome to have that kiss. Mindblowing. I cried a little lol. It was just so sweet. After days of kisses draught, I got three. Btw, I haven't tell my hubby yet. He'll definitely be so jealous, he probably will start rubbing medication oil! Lol.

I truly treasure the kisses. As my little girl (no longer a baby!) grows up everyday, there are a lot of things whe'll grow out of, too. Frankly, I thought she will deny access to her cheeks when she is probably 3 or 4 years old! Little did I know. She's growing up so fast.

My heart is still melted. She's not up yet, so I'll get my share of kisses for now. Sleep is probably one of those times when she allows kisses (though she did opened her eyes wide when I kissed her just now! lol). Ah, the joy of motherhood. Even a kiss is treasured.

Love is all around :))

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Re-read That!

Do you re-read a book you have read before? I do.

Sometimes, the story change. As per my point of view in life, perhaps? Sometimes there is a point in the story that I didn't quite get until that second or third reading. When it actually happened in my life.. that totally change everything. Total empathy with the story.

Sometimes I hate the book on the first time. After a few years, perhaps, it may not seem so bad. I can justify the 'badness' of the story. Or I love it the couple of times I read it, then WHAM! Hate it hate it hate it on the third reading. Too happily-ever-after-ly? Too sad? The story just change, at least for me.

So after sometimes I tend to re-read a book I've read again. Of course I can vaguely remember the storyline and what to expect from the book.. but the feeling sometimes change. But some books stays forever. Like "If You Can See Me Now' by Cecilia Ahern. I just love her books. They have magic.

I guess the tendency to re-read books comes from frugality. I can't buy books everytime! I wish I can , though. Books are expensive around here. At least the kind of books that I like do. But I gotta READ! I just can't just sit around doing nothing without reading. The sheer boredom! So now frugality has turned to habit. And I kinda like it. And I'll have my fave parts of a fave book that I'll thumb straight to it. Or I'll skip parts that I don't really enjoy.. I feel bad doing that sometimes.. but I can't take sadness too many time, surely. It'll get to me. There were times when my hubby will ask 'That must be a sad book' when he saw me crying. He knows me very well. :')

Anyway, I got 4 books yesterday on a Sale.Yippee!! Finished reading last night. I makes me miss my bestfriends and all the times we had together.. The is some old saying, 'Even if we lost it, at least we have had it once'. Or at least that's how I thought it sound lol!

Thus, my love affair with books. Not many, but well loved. Cheers, my loves!

Being a Mother and Daughter

As I read through the development of my kid, I came across some things that make me remember things in my life. What it was like when I was young. Like this one article, how kids feel safe and secure when they smell their parents, or see them, or touch them, or just being near. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, scared witless, monsters following me everywhere, and nobody was awake. No chance of waking up my brother to keep me company, he was a worse scaredicat than I was lol! So I went from room to room, squeezing in with anyone of my 4 older brothers and sisters, hoping to hitchhike on their sweet, undisturbed dream. Alas! To no avail. So what did a 5 year old to do? Dragged the blankie and slept at mom's and dad's feet. Until now, I never even remember what happened in the morning. It was that peaceful.

As I look at my daughter's growth each day, her being so happy and healthy, I hope that she will love me always. I misunderstood my mom as not loving me, not caring, doesn't know me at all and most of all, doesn't understand me, up until I had my baby. That was when I was 27 years old. Phew! That was a long wait for a mom! I hope my kids will always know that I love them, that no matter what happens, I'm always there for them. That even through their rebellious teenage years, they always remember that.. Mummy is always here.. That I love you..

I said it before and I say it again, being a mother makes you a better daughter. I love you, mom! ^_^



Picture credit : lisaharald.deviantart.com

Unconditional Love

I went home last week. Urm, my parents' house actually, but that should be the cosiest place to be apart from my own home. So, I haven't gone home for a long time. I miss it so.. Boy, am I glad to be a child to someone instead of being a parent all the time. It was soooo nice being taken care of for a while. I know I should be taking care of my parents instead, but I guess old habit dies hard. I would have to compete with mom if I want to do chores around the house, believe me! She is so fast and efficient, I would be running out of breath trying to just keep up!

Anyway, going home has always been therapeutic. For those reasons above, of course. And I realize something I never did before. I know we kids always did something that our parents doesn't like, and sometimes hurt them. I am a rebellious kid, for one. Always did what others didn't do, whenever I think it is the right thing to do. But I never actually see the impact. Last week, I said something, and I saw mom walk away, looking down, with a sad face. Astagfirullah! Did I just hurt her? I mean, my visiting her should be a happy time.. but unintentionally I hurt her feelings. I feel so bad. Now that I'm a mother, I know that no one will console your heart, only Allah. I vow to never hurt her again. It just heartbreaking looking at her like that. I wish I can take it back. I'm sorry, mom. I love you, I truly do. I must have hurt mom a gazillion times all these years. But never once did she complaints, just patiently guiding me throughout my growing up years.. 

Only a mother can love unconditionally (a father too!) AND be patient with whatever whims we come out with.   What about your mother? Did you ever hurt her? When did you last call her? Did you miss her?

Love Is In the Air

When you are a mother, you become a better daughter.

In a lot of ways, that s true. Every beautiful moment spent with precious daughter gives a glimps of what beautiful feeling mom probably had with me. However possessive I be, however protective, the surge of affection, extreme worries, unlimited love, ability to forgive! Subhanallah.. And I thought mom doesn't know me as well as my friends did back in high school. That only my bestfriends know me best. How silly! Mom probably doesn't know about all my teenage crush or friends' troubles, but she knows my cloudy days. I think, even though mom never says it, but she knows best. And that makes me want to bawls over T__T
I love mom so much.

And today I got another lesson... A wife can know only so much about her husband, but a mother! Give a mother a few hours with her kid and she knows either he's happy or troubled... And again the level of patience! Everyday is a a new lesson.  And I am nothing if not a learner. I learn everyday and will always be learning, Insha Allah.

A mother's love is very powerful, it's a different kind of love altogether from love towards one's another half. You give and don't expect to receive back. In fact, sometimes you expect to receive the perfect opposite and accept it calmly so as to allow the child to learn her lesson. It's very bizarre for a first time mummy. But full of contentment. Shouting, yes, that too. But the kiss and hugs from my pumpkin pie is heartmelting. Let's not break the mood talk about adolescent yet, shall we. Let enjoy toddlerhood first. Just beautiful.

Love your mom. I love mine! :)