Sister love.. mother love..

I have a special sister. She's been diagnosed with Aattention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). When she was about 4 year old, she was jumping on my mother's bed when she fell. She hit her head on a corner of a table. There was an internal bleeding inside her head. She was hospitalized and put in a coma for 2 days. Allah.. that was really heartbreaking. I forgot how long she was in ICU. Things were never the same again since.

Having a disabled sister or OKU (Orang Kurang Upaya), is really challenging. She needs constant monitoring. Plus she is actually really brilliant. She can let herself out of the house no matter how my mother locks the door or the front gate. She watches the door for any moments of carelessness. And then she will run and run and run as fast as she can. Sometimes she goes to the playground. A couple of times she went and sit on a divider by the roadside. A few times she manages to get to the shops nearby.

There was a time, my sister, who stays in KL, called home and said that our disabled sister is already at the shop. As it happens, a friend of hers who was nearby gave her a call. And we didn't even realized she was gone yet! Mind you, the shop is actually about 8 minutes walking distance. My mom probably just turns her head around, tending to cooking or stuff. Everytime this kind of thing happens my mother will get into panic mode and will start shouting and run out to get her! It's just crazy. She still does this sometimes now, though she's not as fast as she used to, now that she more than 110kg. She is definitely overweight (because of all the medication that she has to take) but she's still very fast.!

I used to think she's a nuisance. I couldn't play outside because I of her. I couldn't play with my relatives during 'kenduri' (family feasts) because I had to look after her, so that my mom can help out. My mom is always on the run, chasing her. She was also pretty violent, she used to bite and hit people. I was annoyed frequently. You know, being a regular kid or teenager, your normal sister annoys you. This is a disabled sister. How annoying can she be? Argghhhh!!! That's how.

But once I had my own daughter, things seems... different. I look at my sister and my mom in a new light. I see her through my mother's eyes. I look past my own emotions of annoyance and irritation, and see her as my own daughter. O Allah, how does my mother feels that night we slept outside the ICU corridor? Does mom cry every time my sister had seizure? Does her heart breaks when sis was poked with all sorts of needles and tubes? When the doctor said she is not the same as the other kids? When she realized sis will never be able to take care of herself? My heart breaks.

Now she is 21 years old and I think mentally she is about three or four years old. My nieces and nephews and my kids, they will grow up, Insha Allah, but my sister most probably won't (mentally). She stays at home  with my mom because she constantly has seizure. My mom and dad wants to send her to some kind of rehabilitation center for disable people, but they are unable to because of the seizures.

I pray to Allah that sis will be placed in His highest heaven. She has been through so much pain and sadness. And my parents too, for being patient with her all these years. Forgive all our sins, O Allah.
May Allah grant my prayers. Ameen.

Lesson in Pain

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Is it better to have your dream come true and then have it taken away from you?
Or not to have them at all?
Someone once said, even if that person is now gone, at leasthe was once yours...
Ah, and there is a saying, beware of what you wish for, in case it comes true!
Be still, my beating heart.. some say wild hearts cannot be broken!
And some said, broken hearts cannot be broken again!
But is it true? Even broken hearts can be ground to powder, even oblivion...
So then, will I no longer be able to feel pain?
Or then will the pain still gnaw at my heart...

And Allah is with those whose hearts are shattered..
Please choose me, o Allah!
For those who have their hearts broken usually will turn back to You!
Please do not let me go back!
Don't let me go astray after You have shown me the way..

Doodles : Where I am now.

I feel calm with my hubby's presence.

I have been blessed with beautiful daughters.

My little girl is notorious, but asks such darling questions.

Although I have no wealth, I have no debt.

I have (had) awesome BFFs, some I have lost contact. (This happens a lot when you have guy best friends.They are awesome, but not good when someone gets married.) I miss them, though.

I am ever so thankful to have met so many beautiful souls during my lifetime.

Oh yeah, I married my best friend :)

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People has always been kind to me despite their normal behaviour (which sometimes are not).

I look at some people and think, I want to have this kind of behaviour. It took me years to get there. Some I'm still figuring out how to. Some are really hard lessons Allah sent down my path to speed up things a little. Tough, but effective.

I learn to be a better person through my mistakes and others', too. And how to be a good person. A human.

I no longer pour out my sadness and misery and unhappiness to people, I have learnt to turn to Allah.

The best thing that has happened to me in my life is that I found Allah. It has been a long and tough journey, but it is worth it.

Despite all my sins and all my mistakes, He still looks upon me with love and kindness. And Allah is 70 times more Loving and more Merciful than a mother towards her daughter.

The road ahead will still be as tough, if not tougher, but knowing that I have Allah by my side, Insha Allah I can go on.

I can hardly taste the sweetness of this world. Hoping to taste the sweetness of Jannah instead later. Oh yeah, I need to pack up more necessities to bring to the afterlife. More solah, fast, zikr. The way I'm wasting my time now, I most probably gonna regret it.

I would not trade anything in this world for the Hidayat Allah has given me. May Allah bless the whole world with His Hidayat. To grasp upon the Quran and Sunnah with my molar teeth.

I hope to end my life with Husnul Khatimah, on kalimah Lailahaillah Muhammadarrasulullah. And I pray for you too.

Being a Mother and Daughter

As I read through the development of my kid, I came across some things that make me remember things in my life. What it was like when I was young. Like this one article, how kids feel safe and secure when they smell their parents, or see them, or touch them, or just being near. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, scared witless, monsters following me everywhere, and nobody was awake. No chance of waking up my brother to keep me company, he was a worse scaredicat than I was lol! So I went from room to room, squeezing in with anyone of my 4 older brothers and sisters, hoping to hitchhike on their sweet, undisturbed dream. Alas! To no avail. So what did a 5 year old to do? Dragged the blankie and slept at mom's and dad's feet. Until now, I never even remember what happened in the morning. It was that peaceful.

As I look at my daughter's growth each day, her being so happy and healthy, I hope that she will love me always. I misunderstood my mom as not loving me, not caring, doesn't know me at all and most of all, doesn't understand me, up until I had my baby. That was when I was 27 years old. Phew! That was a long wait for a mom! I hope my kids will always know that I love them, that no matter what happens, I'm always there for them. That even through their rebellious teenage years, they always remember that.. Mummy is always here.. That I love you..

I said it before and I say it again, being a mother makes you a better daughter. I love you, mom! ^_^



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Life and Thankfulness

When I am happy in life, I forgot
A lot of things
Often I forgot to be thankful
Even for the happiness I feel inside

But when I am sad
Or angry
Or frustrated
I tend to look at the brighter things in life
So that I can smile again
So that my heart can heal
And I feel life is bearable again

Thankful for the sweet little smile
And the little hand that always reach out to me
And no matter what
She'll come to me
That she loves me
And needs me

For this peace I have
That I haven't felt before
That rage, sadness and frustration can't take away

That I'm not sick
Healthier than ever
I am thankful

I hope
To remember this
When I'm happy
Not to forget
For those who are thankful, will be rewarded with more
I wish to be thankful.

Too much of a good thing..

Too much of a good thing.. I wonder.. whether we will be spoilt if our life is so easy and good? No problems, no major heartbreak, nothing unpleasant ever occur, no changes..
Will we never learn? Will our hearts be as hard as stone? For tears soften the hearts.. Hardship strengthen our soul. Even annoying people make us more patient.

Like a diamond, so pure, so beautiful. Craved by all eyes that gaze upon it.
How did it got here? From deep under the earth.
Undergone extreme heat and pressure.
For millions of years..
Now
It is so strong, nothing else can cut through it
It gleams with beauty
And the value is ever so high

    

Put a carrot, an egg and coffee in a container each
Boil the water
What's the end?
Carrot, hard and proud, has soften, to the point of crumble
Egg, from soft liquid inside, it has turn hard
But coffee, ah you have got to give it to coffee!
What a delight you have become
You didn't change yourself! You change the water you are in
Tasty, fresh coffee.. refreshing.. Fancy a cup?

Life is a choice
As who we want to become
Allah has shown us the way
The way of Nabi pbuh
The way to success and excellence...

Missing..

I miss my sun
It's just so cloudy these days
I wish it will rain
At least I can meet the rainbow..

Sweet life

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Ahh.. Life's sweet perks. Do you have any idea how nice it is to type on a smooth keyboard after that typewrite-like ancient keyboard? My fingers are practically purring on these baby. Alhamdulillah. There are so many things to be thankful about in this life. And moments like this makes yesterday's tears bearable.

Life is full of hardship, and no matter who we are, we are always faced with decision, choices, pain, bitterness, hurt... In those moments, sometimes we cry or vent. We are only human, after all. And then, it is really our choice to continue to be enveloped in those sad feelings or to go on. Truly, do we gain any benefit from doing so? We will face it every day. It's not going to go away. But we can choose wha our feelings will be. To smile or to drown in sadness.

There was a time when my family was in a real bad condition. My sister was down with terrible illness, and we will be up all night taking care of her. Our house was in shambles, my mom was shedding tears every night (not that she lets me see). Every morning I had to haul myself o work, leaving mom and dad taking care of sis. During the day sister normally will sleep with exhaustion so everyone can rest too. But I've got to go to work. And I choose to smile all day even it kills me. You know what? Even though I was thinking about it, Alhamdulillah smiling makes it bearable. Laughing with friends puts sadness at bay. Talking about nonsense keeps me sane. Prayers give calms me the most. It's the little things that makes life okay. That I know you-are-there, you-miserable-thing, but-hey-I-can-do-this!

That was ages ago. I guess I'm merely reminding myself to that thoughts now that I am in calm wheather in between storm. It's easy to give in to anger and hate, but truly, negative emotions just seeps our energy and crush our motivation. I don't know about you, but someone once told me, the funniest guy in the room probably has the biggest problem among all. But no one knows except him. I may not be the funniest guy, but perhaps taking things easily helps. Not easily as in not seriously! You know what I mean!

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Now I just want to enjoy the lovely morning and this contentment within my heart. Keep it there when the next storm blew in, if possible. And go kiss my daughter and smell her morning hair, all sticking out. And melt when she smiles, knowing that mummy's there. I already got my share of hugs from dear hubby! His perfume just makes me fall in love all over again. What a lovely morning. And most importantly say a prayer of thanks to Allah for all the sweetness of life. Gratefulness will endow more rewards, insha Allah. Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless us all.

How do you face your sad moments? Are you thankful of what you have now? Lets count our blessing! :)

Venting

Funny to start a blog this way. I just wanna vent. Or talk about venting. Specifically venting out your anger from your system. When you are mad, you feel like you want to hurl anything in your path, scream your lungs out, and well, whoever unlucky enough to cross your path will certainly feel your wrath for the simplest mistake, such as existing. But when you can't do any of those, what do you do? Venting your feeling the 'nice' way. The craziest thing that helps me to channel my anger is cleaning. I'll clean everything. wash the bathroom, mop the floor, sweep the ceiling fan, fold laundry.. until the anger fads away. Until I get tired. But be warned, do not cross my path. I've warned my dearest not to come close at these critical times, as I really don't want to inflict any injury on anyone's feeling. It works for me..

Sometimes I simply get away for everyone and sit at a corner. But this is not so effective as I will be focusing all my energy on my anger, unlike household chores where over time the tasks will overtake my brain. I tried reading, but there's no use. I can't read a word. Reading Quran also helps, Alhamdulillah. Spiritually of course it helps, and physically after reciting it as loud as I want, I simply got tired. Venting accomplised.

The latest, I discovered that just talking about what i feel at the moment also works. Well, as ethics call, I can't tell a soul about what's disturbing me. Thus simply telling someone that I feel mad, unhappy or demotivated helps. it's like magic. Like i take that negativity, place it in the box and  put away where the sun will never shine on it. and that's enough. And I am thankful, Alhamdulillah. Allah is Great. Thank You, Allah. your gift is the greatest of all. And my heart now feel heavy with contentment. Alhamdulillah.