Mellowing with every child?

Is it just me or it's a mom thing worldwide? I was always very worried with whatever my first baby did. It wasn't really funny. She is always testing new things, doing really, really daring stuffs. Those really get on my nerves. Jumping, running everywhere, touching and grabbing everything, you name it. And I was always so serious. Telling her that she can't play with it. Pulling her aside. Punishing her sometimes (oh how this breaks my heart afterwards). And being a toddler, of course she does it again and again. Until she remembers not to do it anymore. Now at 3 1/2 years old, she's brilliant. Always remembers to put back her towel on the rack after shower. Picking up her toys right after I told her. Oh, my baby. How you've grown up so lovely. Okay, these are not done without battles. We have our battles. Now my second babygirl.. she's a different story. As different as day and night with her sister. Calmer. More relaxed. An easy baby. And not just that.. whatever she does, it doesn't seem so scary anymore. Sometimes I laugh at the silliness of it. What used to scare me to bits, now they just bug me a bit and I brush it off. Is this normal? I mean, I'm trying not to be biased towards any child. But those things don't seem too scary anymore. I feel calmer. Like, feeling as if, what the heck, this isn't so bad. This won't hurt anyone. Or is it just me getting older? I must say being calm towards my new baby rubs off on her sister too. I laugh more at her antics rather than scorn at them, joins her sometimes; instead of telling her off, I twist the story so that it will turn her off it.. Yeah, life is better this way. I don't think I will love them equally because they are two different human beings, thus their needs are different. My prayers are always that I will be a mother that can raise them following the Sunnah (ways) of the Prophet Muhammad pbuh and be the mother that they need. I want to shower them with love and guide them with Deen (Islam). So that they will be safe and happy both in this world and the hereafter. My babies... What do you think? Is it possible not to be biased towards kids?

Sister love.. mother love..

I have a special sister. She's been diagnosed with Aattention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). When she was about 4 year old, she was jumping on my mother's bed when she fell. She hit her head on a corner of a table. There was an internal bleeding inside her head. She was hospitalized and put in a coma for 2 days. Allah.. that was really heartbreaking. I forgot how long she was in ICU. Things were never the same again since.

Having a disabled sister or OKU (Orang Kurang Upaya), is really challenging. She needs constant monitoring. Plus she is actually really brilliant. She can let herself out of the house no matter how my mother locks the door or the front gate. She watches the door for any moments of carelessness. And then she will run and run and run as fast as she can. Sometimes she goes to the playground. A couple of times she went and sit on a divider by the roadside. A few times she manages to get to the shops nearby.

There was a time, my sister, who stays in KL, called home and said that our disabled sister is already at the shop. As it happens, a friend of hers who was nearby gave her a call. And we didn't even realized she was gone yet! Mind you, the shop is actually about 8 minutes walking distance. My mom probably just turns her head around, tending to cooking or stuff. Everytime this kind of thing happens my mother will get into panic mode and will start shouting and run out to get her! It's just crazy. She still does this sometimes now, though she's not as fast as she used to, now that she more than 110kg. She is definitely overweight (because of all the medication that she has to take) but she's still very fast.!

I used to think she's a nuisance. I couldn't play outside because I of her. I couldn't play with my relatives during 'kenduri' (family feasts) because I had to look after her, so that my mom can help out. My mom is always on the run, chasing her. She was also pretty violent, she used to bite and hit people. I was annoyed frequently. You know, being a regular kid or teenager, your normal sister annoys you. This is a disabled sister. How annoying can she be? Argghhhh!!! That's how.

But once I had my own daughter, things seems... different. I look at my sister and my mom in a new light. I see her through my mother's eyes. I look past my own emotions of annoyance and irritation, and see her as my own daughter. O Allah, how does my mother feels that night we slept outside the ICU corridor? Does mom cry every time my sister had seizure? Does her heart breaks when sis was poked with all sorts of needles and tubes? When the doctor said she is not the same as the other kids? When she realized sis will never be able to take care of herself? My heart breaks.

Now she is 21 years old and I think mentally she is about three or four years old. My nieces and nephews and my kids, they will grow up, Insha Allah, but my sister most probably won't (mentally). She stays at home  with my mom because she constantly has seizure. My mom and dad wants to send her to some kind of rehabilitation center for disable people, but they are unable to because of the seizures.

I pray to Allah that sis will be placed in His highest heaven. She has been through so much pain and sadness. And my parents too, for being patient with her all these years. Forgive all our sins, O Allah.
May Allah grant my prayers. Ameen.

Sun and Rain

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It's been pretty hot in the last few months. Or should I say the past year? Sunny day everyday. Even during monsoon months. Except for a few days before a flash flood on the day before christmas. Most of the time the rain didn't fall wholeheartedly around here anymore. Mostly the sky got dark and I was like, 'Yeay! It's going to rain!' Then it rained for about half an hour and then it stopped. The pavement wasn't even properly wet yet. It was dry in probably an hour. Ah, my dear rain, please fall some more. I can use some more of your presence..

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Alhamdulillah, the past week had been a bit cooler. Rainy day everyday but still, the day didn't get as cold as when I was a kid. These days it just get cooler, not actually cold. And the smell.. it was different. It smelled kinda..funny. Like the air was not properly cleaned. Like there was some kind of dirt still lingering in the air. Not that sweet after-rain smell like it used to be. That made me...sad. Like a friend that didn't turn up for a date. I really miss the rainy days of the old times.. The sound, the humidity, the smell, the temperature.. 

Well, I shouldn't be sad when Allah has already given me what I prayed for, right? Looking on the bright side, my laundry dries really quick. Though being a full time housewife means I can't escape the heat to the cool air conditioned offices most people go to everyday. Well, my previous workplace was what we called 'Everest', as in Mount Everest because it would get really, really cold. Don't worry, we do have air conditioner in my bedroom but it dries my throat so, and my kids will later sneeze and cough too. I don't like to turn it on so much. So I pray for Allah to make the days cooler. Hence He sent down the rain.

Anyway, I come across this ad on the net about a sun tan studio in KL. I'm like, WHAT!!??!! What do you need tanning studio in Malaysia for? Seriously, I just got back from Langkawi and down at the beach, the only people sunning themselves are foreigners. Local people find shades, trees, rocks. The authorities even made a few small erm, huts for us Malaysian to stay away from the sun. Malaysian were either in the water or under shades. Sunning is really not a Malaysian thing. So what's with this tanning studio really? In case there is no sun??? Have you ever step out of your home-cars-offices-restaurants-gyms-shopping malls and look up into the sky? This is pretty ridiculous, people.. You cannot escape the sun around here... Imagine sun tan studio in Miami... or Hawaii. I really don't get it. It's HOT! Okay I'm getting excited. lol. Must be the heat ^_^

Subhanallah, looks like it's going to rain again! Alhamdulillah! Yippe!! Please please please make it rain O Allah! Malaikat Mikhail (angel) will send down the rain following Allah's orders on where to drop each raindrop..

What is the weather like at your place right now?

Funny Side Of A Sprained Ankle

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Last week my mother in law sprain her ankle. Not really her ankle, it's the front part of her foot, like the picture, see? What do you call that? Anyway, MIL talks to my hubby to take her to clinic to have her foot X-rayed, check how her bones are, etc. Upon hearing all these talks about bones, being the curious 3 year old Sha is, she becomes obsessed with bones.

Sha's questions vary on topics surrounding bones and pain. 'Do you have bones?' Do I have bones to?' 'Does mummy has bones?' 'Why doesn't the other foot hurt, does it have bones too?' 'Look, your foot doesn't bleed, it must not hurt anymore!' The question gets more complicated as the time goes. Poor MIL. Last time when I stepped on a tiny shard of glass and bleed myself (just a little bit, mind you), she checks my foot everyday. She still talks about it after two weeks. My MIL probably will have worse in her store, her foot is bandaged.

Yesterday, I told her to please mind grandma's foot, don't step on it, her foot still hurts. Want to guess what her answer is? 'The other feet doesn't hurt, right? I can step on it, right?' (while stepping on the other foot.)

What will I do without you, my little girl?

Life's User Manual Guide

When we buy a new mobile phone, it usually comes with a user manual guide. It tells us how to turn it on, what the accessories, how to use it, maintenance and care, you know, the usual. Most of us hardly ever open the manual. Usually when we buy it, the salesperson will tell us basic use of the thing. The rest we figure out by our own.

So we use it day in and day out. Sometimes, when we face problems with the iPhone, we might look at the Manual. Google it on the internet. Oh, there is where I've gone wrong. Or to find out how to work this feature. Suddenly you found a new trick or cool tips. Then close the browser. Until one day the phone is really used up and won't turn on or affected by virus or something... then back to the manufacturer's service center. If you are lucky, it'll turn up alright. Else, see you later, alligator. You start looking for the latest model.

The way I see it, human are pretty much like that. We were sent into this world with a user manual. Where? Al-Quran and Sunnah (plus ijma' and qias). It tells us what to do, what to say, what to wear, what to eat... Why do we want to be controlled so much? Well, imagine if our new shiny beloved iPhone is dipped into a glass of juice, will it taste good? I mean the iPhone couldn't withstand the juice. Or a Honda Hybrid, it cannot be filled with diesel. Sayonara, bebeh. Or Perodua Viva, it can't be driven at 160km/h everyday. After a few months, the steering wheel will start vibrating and the whole car will have all sorts of noise. Get what I mean?

All I'm saying is that having these two guides in our lives is very important to us. These guides came from our Manufacturer, aye? Allah created us, so of course He knows what's best for us. He's not letting us roam around this world without any guide. Yeah, we can choose whether we want to follow it or not, it is a Guide after all. But if we turn away from what Allah has given us, how can we expect Him to listen to us when we asks Him for what we desire, during our darkest moments? Solat, or prayer, has been cited to be at certain times of the day. 5 times to be exact. It takes about five minutes each prayer. What? Less than half an hour a day? Yup, that is correct. Do it early, at the time prayer is indicated, the Allah promises 5 thing;

1. The hardship of this life is lifted
2. Torments in the grave is lifted
3. The book of amal (contains what we have done in this life) is given with the right hand (right hand means good outweighs the bad)
4. Go through Siratul Mustaqim as fast as lightning
 5. Enter Heaven without having to go through Hisab (kinda like customs to check each and everything we have done in this life except we have to face Allah)

For this very simple thing, pray early, the reward is so big. Say we choose not to pray early, to simply pray whenever we feel like, these rewards will not be ours. The analogy is simple; when we are working, our employer give us all the work we have, right? So we have this mount of paperwork on our table, needed to be hand in by tomorrow, then suddenly our employer call us into his office. Would you say, yes boss, right away, or would you say, I'm sorry boss, I can't see you now, have this lot to finish, can I see you later? We wouldn't dare to say the latter, would we? We'd say yes in a heartbeat.

Those who say no, well, there will be hell to pay later. We want to be on good term with our boss so that he will remember us, give good rating for our work performance, perhaps give us pay rise or push us up the rank. Right? So tell me, if we pray later than the time set for us, whenever we feel like, when we are free, or heaven forbid, not pray at all, where do that put us in Allah's sight? If we do not have good relationship with our boss, can he give us good rating for our performance? He doesn't know us. Then, will he give big bonuses? Will he help us if we are in need?

If we take so much time and effort to put ourselves in good books with our boss in order to get all the worldly goods, why don't we take as much time, if not more, to put ourselves in Allah's good books? Allah owns everything in this world and in the hereafter. Allah promise that those who perform solat/prayer, all His Treasury is open to them. If we never pray, and suddenly one day we are really, really in need, then we pray and expect Allah to instantly grant our wishes, isn't that a bit rude? In fact, really rude. Of course Allah being Most Merciful He can still grant our prayers and wishes despite us being so rude to Him. This is quite straightforward. If we perform our prayers diligently, maintain close relationship with Allah, it will be a gift with love from Allah. Because we are obedient to Him, thus He loves us.

We don't go knocking on a stranger's house asking for a loan of $5000. The stranger will slam the door on our face. Even the richest man in the world doesn't simply give out money to strangers. We can try to ask from our mother or relatives, because they know us, they are family. We have a relationship with them. The same way applies. But as His servant in this world, after all He has given to us, a good home, food to eat, a job, family and friends, wealth.. Can't we spare Him the very few minutes to humbly detach ourselves from this world, and put our foreheads to the ground, praising Allah as our creator?

So the only way to turn to our creator, Allah, is through this way, following the Quran and Sunnah. Follow these two and we will never go astray. We will be safe in this world and the hereafter. This is our Life User Manual. Follow it closely. Human's success is determined on how far he can obey Allah's Laws following the way (sunnah) of the Prophet Muhammad pbuh.

Lailahaillah Muhammadurrasulullah!

Lesson in Pain

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Is it better to have your dream come true and then have it taken away from you?
Or not to have them at all?
Someone once said, even if that person is now gone, at leasthe was once yours...
Ah, and there is a saying, beware of what you wish for, in case it comes true!
Be still, my beating heart.. some say wild hearts cannot be broken!
And some said, broken hearts cannot be broken again!
But is it true? Even broken hearts can be ground to powder, even oblivion...
So then, will I no longer be able to feel pain?
Or then will the pain still gnaw at my heart...

And Allah is with those whose hearts are shattered..
Please choose me, o Allah!
For those who have their hearts broken usually will turn back to You!
Please do not let me go back!
Don't let me go astray after You have shown me the way..

Doodles : Where I am now.

I feel calm with my hubby's presence.

I have been blessed with beautiful daughters.

My little girl is notorious, but asks such darling questions.

Although I have no wealth, I have no debt.

I have (had) awesome BFFs, some I have lost contact. (This happens a lot when you have guy best friends.They are awesome, but not good when someone gets married.) I miss them, though.

I am ever so thankful to have met so many beautiful souls during my lifetime.

Oh yeah, I married my best friend :)

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People has always been kind to me despite their normal behaviour (which sometimes are not).

I look at some people and think, I want to have this kind of behaviour. It took me years to get there. Some I'm still figuring out how to. Some are really hard lessons Allah sent down my path to speed up things a little. Tough, but effective.

I learn to be a better person through my mistakes and others', too. And how to be a good person. A human.

I no longer pour out my sadness and misery and unhappiness to people, I have learnt to turn to Allah.

The best thing that has happened to me in my life is that I found Allah. It has been a long and tough journey, but it is worth it.

Despite all my sins and all my mistakes, He still looks upon me with love and kindness. And Allah is 70 times more Loving and more Merciful than a mother towards her daughter.

The road ahead will still be as tough, if not tougher, but knowing that I have Allah by my side, Insha Allah I can go on.

I can hardly taste the sweetness of this world. Hoping to taste the sweetness of Jannah instead later. Oh yeah, I need to pack up more necessities to bring to the afterlife. More solah, fast, zikr. The way I'm wasting my time now, I most probably gonna regret it.

I would not trade anything in this world for the Hidayat Allah has given me. May Allah bless the whole world with His Hidayat. To grasp upon the Quran and Sunnah with my molar teeth.

I hope to end my life with Husnul Khatimah, on kalimah Lailahaillah Muhammadarrasulullah. And I pray for you too.

Sweetest love and babies!

If I smell Amortentia now, it will smell of rain and newborn baby. It all comes down to my new baby girl, H. Tomorrow she‘ll be a month. To kiss a baby is like inhaling a sweet perfume from heaven. Ah, how heavenly. I can kiss her all day. In between nursing, burping and diaper changing, I mean. Lol.
It is ironic how many cliche I stumble upon this round of pregnancy and birth. I‘m thankful I keep them by the truckload. You know, just in case.

Now my babies are almost 3-year-old and 7 weeks old. Ok, technically Sha is no longer a baby. But she's so babyish these days, especially since she got her new sister. Baby H sneezes, she sneezes, baby H spits up, she spits up. Since I am trying not to enhance any siblings rivalry, I just go on with it. Whatever baby H got, she gets too. Same pat, same kisses.

Sha loves her sister very much. Of course I do to. It's just so sweet watching them adore each other, Sha is always asking me to put baby on her lap. Then baby H will gaze adoringly at her sister. Sha will put on a show for her sis, jumping up and down and singing. Baby H giggles ever so happily. I pray this love and bond between them will go on. Always.